Friday, December 24, 2004

what do I deserve?

So it's Christmas Eve. I'm not happy. Last night I just asked God to forgive me of everything that I've done; my bad attitudes, my hard heart, my stubburn thoughts. Everyone submits to something. I choose to submit to Him.

I thought that I could make this blog and it could be a "weight loss journey". I have approximitely 100+ lbs to lose, and I think this would be a great place to document all the inspirational things I have found on the net, and make this in to my scrapbook of success. However, I've come to realize that I cannot separate this "quest for fitness" part of my life from everything else! I have to be me; and I am so much more then this. This is my journal, and I'm doing it for me. So I'm going to be painfully honest. My thoughts, feelings, emotions... hey, even what I do day-to-day. Whatever I wanna write, I'm gonna write. Most of the time that isn't butterflies and flowers.

What spurred me to make this blog were sites like www.stellamama.com and http://www.dreamingthought.com/beforeafter/. I found them by going to this site: http://www.healthcyclopedia.com/weight-loss/personal-pages.html which has loads and loads of these "personal weight loss stories". It's sites like these that make me realize that becoming healthy can be done - because that is ultimately what I want to do, be healthy! Not lose weight.

This has come after a long history (oh joy, here comes the background info). Both my parents are/were overweight. My dad, whom I take after most, is about 6'7 and probably about 400 lbs. I've been overweight since I was about 6 or 7 (which coincidentally was about the time my parents got divorced). I joined Weight Watchers at 10ish. I wanted to lose weight for the longest time, but at that age I didn't possess the self-control, resources, or money to continue on the program. I joined another weight loss center at 11 or 12, which again did not pan out. My weight skyrocketed at 13. I think I gained about 40 lbs in one summer. Yadah yadah yadah, I went into highschool and became severely depressed, yadah yadah yadah, I dropped out of school, yadah yadah yadah, went back to school at 18, tried a bunch of other lifestyle changes which didn't work, yadah yadah, which brings me back to here. I haven't had the best life (not that any of us do), but I've always felt that the greatest hinderances to any type of program I've tried to start to improve my health have been 1., not having enough money to continue or 2., being completely sabotaged by my family.

Recently I went to the doctor and he told me I may be developing high blood pressure. This gave me somewhat of the wake-up call that I needed. I've always felt that losing weight just to look good was selfish. I think that deep down, I feel that I am not worth being healthy. That this is my lot in life, and I'm happy being the way that I am. I don't want to change. However, when I realized that the way I am living could drastically alter my life span, could put me on drugs for the rest of my life, could ultimately MAKE ME END UP LIKE MY PARENTS OR GRANDPARENTS, I began to get serious. My dad, whom I take after, has always been fit as a fiddle. On my mom's side, however, I've watched my family members waste away from high blood pressure, diabetes, hypothyroidism, and all types of lifestyle-related illnesses. That is not what I want for myself or my family!

So that is what has brought me here. It has all left me wondering, what is it I deserve? Why do I think I don't deserve being healthy, beautiful, and strong? I wonder...


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